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amodernslut

master savage

that first night at mine- when you came over to go hot tubbing
I didn’t tell her and you didn’t tell him
plucking the blue flower from fields of yellow
he’d never forgive you and you’d never care

you crawled off of me as quickly as you crawled on
said my body didn’t seem to want you
how my legs just kept closing

I told you about that first time and you said
it made sense
we cuddled and I thought you cared
too easy, mate

long nights at yours, slumber parties on the regular
a month flies by when your heart is fluttering
tequila shots after my long night in Ybor

“there are those who fuck and those who don’t”
Adam- the roommate you never deserved
testosterone- his favorite drug
my legs look like they can ride a dick
he spoke of fucking me ;
you smirked into your Evan Williams
and later fell asleep, holding me
hardness against me

in the morning you’d make yourself sick
and come crawl back behind me
me, massaging your temples
you say show me, what else can you rub?

I didn’t.
but someone else
she had & she was & she did

that last time you dealt to me
and your face when he got in the car

Was I prettiest to you when I wanted you least?

go fuck yourself

Balled up
like clenched fists
but buried deep
in the pit of my tummy

Spazzing out
like temper tantrums
behaviorally disordered but
coursing through my blood

Burning up
like hot spells of summer
but scalding the skin
behind ears and on neck backs

physical indications –
cognitive adjustments

“go fuck yourself”

ultimatums

and my mind rages war
against itself
for I have, again
creating dungeons of misery
perpetuated my own hurt
and in it
I shall wither

writer’s block

effort kills authenticity; truly

in a manner similar
if not identical

to the way maryjane
murders motivation

or snowflakes
annihilate appetite

untitled poem-2

I am suspecting, yes
a correlation
between lack of attention
and well,
don’t make me say it

I am fearing, yes
unignorable ingenuity
for when one truth is a lie
well…
don’t make me say it

silver daddy

tall with skinny jeans, grey flecked hair
leaned taut over the table
ball sinks

my dollar down, my girl your guy
the hes take it, our partners leave

hours of pabst blue ribbon
and poorly banked shots

tommy sells us yay
by the payphone in the back

pizza at the corner shop,
dirty and greasy
like I imagine us in my mind

we walk the two blocks
to your hotel; second floor

i sit and cut the lines,
you lay back amused
my 11 years junior
an energy you miss

you caress me for hours
an intimacy forgotten

you tell me about your kids
your happy marriage

i feel beautiful by your side

i try to leave later
sneaking quietly from the bed

you ask me to stay
“its nice to hold someone”

i say nothing as he wraps
himself around me

sunshine shines through
and he sneaks into the shower
he insisted i take

soapy bubbles on my back
takes me from behind

i leave my number
on the hotel thoughts pad

hotel exit, continental breakfast
you still on my mind

untitled poem-

 

your name
now poison in my heart
the  beating, still as hard
still as hard
but to a different beat
deceit

sangria|sadness

Ugh.
last night got out of hand

those little white pills
numbing me from wanting you

Movie night|  planned with andy
but I can’t wait
can’t be alone that long

met him at Acrop
Dani saw my face & added vodka
to my sangria
that I didn’t even order

jameson and sangria
hookah | chain smoked menthols
and then en route
walking – back to mine

Andy sees a friend
I’m fucked –
don’t stop to socialize

I do though
manage to score coke

In the 20 minutes we are apart

Andy comes over and we cry
together 
Sad for our lives,
our loves,
our dignity

Reds Apple Ale
swirling numbing smokes
inhalation | insufflation


4:20 AM and he leaves
I lie down
wishing i could sleep through life
and scared id sleep through work

I didn’t.

here’s your fucking page ‘berto

 

Craigslist

Spread on knees
hits taken
some wanted some shared

performance anxiety
drug induced
a lady doesn’t question

you leave  –
no penetration
contact exchange
heres my rolodex

some days later
is it me or is it you
i grew the pair to ask

anywhere, anytime
was your reply,
watched or not –
do you remember?

i wanted coke
travis & thomas
spiting me
boys don’t like

to share their toys

i asked you
over snapchat
5 hours later and
i inhale as you stare

did you judge me?

he did it just for me
his first sell
my first buy

we still don’t fuck

fast forward a month
he comes to smoke
after work so late at night

he smokes my weed
teasing me with looks
and goes off
to hang out with people that
are not me

why doesn’t he want me?

we never text- just snap snap snap
delays so long ; a tangible physical pain
overthinking & creating new truths

the uneven affection
is so clear
my friends beg beg beg
he doesn’t deserve you

he sells me some molly
shits weak af fam
i get the real girl
and introduce him

the beach at night
cold air on warm skin
tiny touches
deep stories | 20 questions

he leaves that night
without touching me
i touch myself to sleep

happy new year
new year new me?
i asked him on a date
he never answered

acid adventures on saturdaze
ybor and macabre stuffed animals
turkey hearts in glass vials
shadows
hunting for rats

the castle
a place quite me
a place very you
I ask why you dont kiss me
and you don’t really answer

adventures abound
i’m good at giving him drugs
he’s good at leaving when they’re gone

my 25 birthday
you wouldn’t say you would go
with me and my friends
you showed up the day after
and kissed me at sunset
after we ate fish tacos
and dropped
dropped
dropped

our last adventure
beans on a thursday
pegasus and pool
spiderman jackets | special k

bar empties; not quite finished
fantasy land | always open
pool; creepy old men
waiting wanting watching

i lose to you
you lose to you.

7:30 in the morning
Uhaul email reservation confirmed
you ask me to help you move
my excitement blinds your sarcasm

we are not on the same page
you leave ; i live
bagels by myself
cream cheese contemplation

hours later -pink and red pills
grabbing your attention
in the only way I can
“whatchu doing tonight”
your last message to me

numero blocked
evaded explanations
are you a coward?
or was I blind

reliving
that kiss that felt like
something

 

 

 

 

 

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